A little sad note.

People won't understand your struggle. They won't understand your pain. Making it more hurtful, they don't even try to.

I need to fulfil my job as a leader, but people don't want to know your struggles. They only care about you completing your job and that's it. They will only care when you don't fulfil their wants.

Having this post is the biggest mistake in my life. Not at the right moment, not at the right time. I get my lunch alone, I walk across the institute on a hot scorching sun alone, just because I need to fulfil the job. Maybe I am expecting too much from people. Where are the so-called friends when you need them the most? Where are the so-called friends when you are facing difficulties? Where are the so-called friends when you need to get something done that requires loads of energy?

My life is torn apart now. In every single aspect. Health, financial, family. People don't ever try to understand. They never care for you, Min. You have to stop expecting.

People hurt you too much that it starts to kill within. I expected too much. I was wrong. Totally wrong.Family used to be my strongest support but now I lost it all. How can I survive when I lost the strongest support, my backbone? People won't ever understand. I can't show that I'm weak to my sisters. I can't show this to anyone. I find it difficult to tell out my problems. It's just me. Honestly, it kills me. 

At 24 years of age, I don't have anything to be proud of. I am not the best student, I am 100% blur of what kinda teacher I'm going to be. My view of life is totlly negative, I am not a good leader, my lecturer dissed mI don't have anything that inspire people. I don't want to ruin my kids' life. But I don't have anything to be proud of, to inspire them of.
Right now I am listening to Yuna's Photo of You when writing this.. with tears flowing, with me trying to hide it behind my fringe so that no one notices.. This song reminds me of my past. My happy past. I have had loads of problems too in the past, but I survived happily. I WANTED to survive. But now I don't feel like it. Coming back to Malaysia was something that I was scared of. To face the truth. To face the things I left for 2 years.

Others have a strong support from their families, to tell them life is going to be better all the time. That life is secured. That life is hard but it's going to be wonderful. I don't have that. 

Can I go back?

These are the things that I remember the most, photos of you I have up on my wall. 

We are far away but I know we are here to stay.. 

All I know is that I'm far away, I'll remember you, I'll remember you.

All I wanted was for you to say "I'm in love with you..".

Sydney was a dream come true and a nightmare too. Nightmare for me now, for knowing that I wont be able to live that life again. I was in love too much that it hurts me now, again, for not having it with me again, now.

This hurts too much...

And the song keeps on repeating again.. So does my tears..

I just need someone to hug me right now and tell me, I am here for you. I will always be here for you. Though that would be the biggest lie ever.

Sending my love to Jah (for crying with me when I cried), Aza and Kecik. Thanks for everything. I might not tell you everything but you guys are so understanding. Sorry for not being a good friend to you guys.

Usrah equals to happiness

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.

Lama sudah rasanya tidak berblogging. Hee yah kinda awkward for me to write in Malay. But alhamdulillah it doesn't matter I'm writing this for myself and for you, silent readers. :) May Allah put all of you under His blesings ameen.

I can't hide my happiness as tomorrow I am going to have my weekly usrah Alhamdulillah. I know that we need to be constant in refreshing our imaan and not only doing it once a week, but having usrah I know that at least, Allah has provided me a path to always return to Him. Allah has given me beautiful sisters to keep reminding me of Him. Being a weak human, my imaan has its ups and downs. Astaghfirullah more downs than ups. :( But being around your family (usrah means family), you are always close to Him. Everyone in the family is striving to be the best Muslim and Mukmin that we can be. And subhanAllah what makes the journey more beautiful is that everyone keeps reminding each other; sometimes not verbally but through actions.

Friends that He has given me, are those of the best characters. They aren't perfect but they are way better than me. alhamdulillah o Allah, for Your blessings.. and forgive me for my ignorance..

things I love.

Just thought of listing my favourites here. activities/books/quotes/etc. Just a random post ;)

1. I have a girl crush on Taylor Swift. I adore her, a sweet humble beautiful girl with beautiful voice. I just love her to the max. I love anything related to her.

2. Coldplay. I love the lyrics. I could relate to most of the songs, and I cant listen to The Scientist cause I am attached emotionally to the song. Although I'm in a happy mode but once I heard the song I could automatically feel sad. By the way, I got a Coldplay mug for my 23rd birthday! <3

3. Looking up at the sky. I have this one tendency of looking up on the sky and see what's up there. I love watching the stars, moon, clouds and the blue sky. They are the most beautiful things in the world. I am obsessed with it. One of the greatest signs from Our Creator Allahu Ahad. I could just sit and watch the stars all night.

4. Love to read quotes. I love reading motivational quotes, they give me lotsa motivation to move on with life. But I think I read and try to digest too much that none sticks in my head now. :(

Just a few of my random thoughts. Toodle!

something that my heart tells.

Today - well it's not just today but lately - I miss him so much. I don't know why. I wanted badly to text him and ask how he's been doing. Is he good? Is everything fine? How's work? How's his study? Has he found things that make him happy? Has things changed since we separated ways? ..... But all them questions remain in my mind without being voiced (or typed).

I think this is all due to hormonal change in me. Yeah it's not going to be long, this feeling. It'll fade away, as time passes.

If you really wanna get over someone, delete everything about them in your phone. All phone numbers, that includes his mom's, dad's, sis's (I had them all). That's what I do. It's hard but you have to do what you have to do. Save yourself before you got drowned deeper. ----- At least I don't wake up in the middle of the night and text stupid things to him like I used to do. And so far it's a success. I haven't talked to him for about 2 months now. Not at all.

Nevertheless, I admit this feeling in me is still there. As I listened to my favourite Taylor Swift's song Safe And Sound, I imagined dedicating it to him. Lately I had a feeling that he was having a hard time but I just couldn't ask. He wasn't that strong, I knew that. I knew him.

I wish I could save you. I wish I could be there with you during your hard times. But I just can't. Not anymore. You need to save yourself and all I could do is just send you prayers, that Allah will protect you always.

I remember tears streaming down your face  
When I said, I'll never let you go  
When all those shadows almost killed your light 
 I remember you said, Don't leave me here alone  
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight...

Just close your eyes 
The sun is going down  
You'll be alright 
No one can hurt you now  
Come morning light  
You and I'll be safe & sound...

Dear you, please be strong to face the world. You can do it as long as you believe in yourself, believe in Allah and hold on tight to the two. May Allah grant you strength and success.. amin.

Light of Life.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Indeed Allah knows what's inside our hearts.

Yesterday I was whining on my disastrous life, Astaghfirullah I was being ungrateful towards all the other blessings that I had. Today, SubhanAllah He touches my soul again.

During lunch, I talked to my Naqibah sister regarding my problem in faith. She said indeed it was a sign from Allah that I actually 'realized' I had the problem. When I realized, it meant I was aware that something was needed to be done. It meant Allah doesn't want me to be further away from Him subhanaAllah.
           She asked me, "Have you read the Quran lately?".

           I replied, "Yes, I did, but not thoroughly though as I just read the Arabic and skipped the meaning part. I didn't go through the meaning cause I felt really lazy to do so."

          "I understand that. We really have to strive and fight with our own self to be close to Allah".

Indeed Allah is the Best Planner.

When I got back to my dorm later, I remembered I needed to pay a dear friend an amount of money that I owed her. As I stepped into her room, I could see her reading the Quran and it was 20 minutes past Dhuhr prayer time. My heart skipped a beat cause I realized that it was a sign from Allah. It was not weird to see that friend reading the Quran cause she read them all the time. But this afternoon, the scene struck me. It's true that Allah holds the hearts of humans. At that time, all I could think of was "If she could read it consistently, why not me?". After I settled paying her the amount, I went straight to the toilet and performed ablution (wudhu').

---

As I was reading my Mushaf, I came across this verse:
Suratul Sod verse 29 (38:29) which means :

(It is) a Book We have revealed to you abounding in good that they may ponder over its verses, and that those endowed with understanding may be mindful. 

Kitab (al-Quran) yang Kami turunkan kepadamu penuh berkah agar mereka menghayati ayat-ayatnya dan agar orang-orang yang berakal sihat mendapat pelajaran.

Allah has answered me.
He answered my questions of WHYs.
Questions of why do I feel so down and stress and feel like struggling so hard in life.
I have long forgotten to actually READ the Quran. Read the Arabic with translation. Reading merely is called tilawah.

The word 'Quran' is derived from another Arabic word 'Qara'a' which means 'read'. The first revelation to Prophet Muhammad PBUH also was about reading.

Why don't we read the Quran today? Allah has taught us to do so.

Another verse that I came across while reading just now:

(39:87-88)

(Al-Quran) ini tidak lain hanyalah peringatan bagi seluruh alam.

Dan sungguh, kamu akan ketahui kebenaran beritanya alQuran setelah beberapa waktu lagi.

SubhanAllah, the answer is all there, inside the Most Divine Book, The Greatest Quran.

Salam.

Thank you, girl.

A THANK YOU note for a dear friend, Liyana whom I have never met before but only know each other through Twitter. A very sweet girl she is.

She's the reason I'm thinking of blogging again. :)

Check out her blog guys and girls! (I've added the link above)

Back, blogging from the homeland.

Salam.

The last post I wrote was in November, the time when I was still residing in Australia. Now I am back, for good, to my beloved homeland, Malaysia. It's been 3 months now but I would still want to welcome myself home, yeay! :D

I am struggling with lots of things now. Life, financial, health, studies, spiritual. Almost every aspect. I have lots of people to count on to tell out my problems but I don't feel right to tell them cause it is just too many. So i might just burst everything out here, hoping no one will ask me about this if you see me in person. Okay? :)

Life: I have not been talking to a girlfriend for quite a while now. It all started somewhere in January I think. I planned to meet her and bought a ticket direct from Penang to her place but we ended up not meeting each other that night. Something happened - I didn't know whether she was joking or not when she said 'u ni bosan la' and 'I said fine, cancel malam ni' and she just replied 'Okay'. We insulted each other all the time but that day, things were different. It turned out that night I discovered that she checked in at a cinema with her other friends whom I knew some of 'em. Of course I was totally pissed off, if only she knew I bought that expensive ticket just to meet her first before I meet anyone else in KL. I made time to meet her that night for dinner cause I knew the rest of my time in KL that weekend would be quite full. Since then we haven't met each other, text each other on Whatsapp 24/7 like we used to. I'm not mad at her anymore. She did ask me out twice when I was in KL over the weekend but I was just too occupied with something else.

Financially, I'm not that desperate now, Alhamdulillah. However, I have set my mind that I really wanna go back to Oz for my graduation next year. I need to really save up on my allowance and my salary (yeah, work part-time during the holidays) but ya know, everytime you save up money, there will always be occasions where you need to spend 'em. Luckily I'm not the shopping type of girl. At least I save myself there.

Health-wise, I am having a kind of infection now which makes my skin gets really itchy and sometimes I scratch 'em in my sleep thus leaving the skin feels like burning. I'm under prescription now, hopefully things will get better fast. Can't stand living like this anymore. Nevertheless, the hot and extremely humid weather in Penang is not helping much cause I sweat a lot which makes the healing process slower. Syafakillah, inshaAllah. (Diseases eliminate the sins, with Allah's will.)

Studies? Hmm I better make a separate post for this. If I were to describe everything I'm going through right now in one word, it would be STRUGGLE.

Spiritual.. I miss my Usrah group. I just can't wait to be in the circle each week. At least I get to listen and talk about good things, about Islam. I know depending totally on Usrah to be close to my religion is not right. My faith has its ups and downs and I think I'm having more downs than ups lately. I need to fix myself. I really do. :(

May Allah ease everything for me, you and Muslims all over the world. Allahumma Amin.