Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A little sad note.

People won't understand your struggle. They won't understand your pain. Making it more hurtful, they don't even try to.

I need to fulfil my job as a leader, but people don't want to know your struggles. They only care about you completing your job and that's it. They will only care when you don't fulfil their wants.

Having this post is the biggest mistake in my life. Not at the right moment, not at the right time. I get my lunch alone, I walk across the institute on a hot scorching sun alone, just because I need to fulfil the job. Maybe I am expecting too much from people. Where are the so-called friends when you need them the most? Where are the so-called friends when you are facing difficulties? Where are the so-called friends when you need to get something done that requires loads of energy?

My life is torn apart now. In every single aspect. Health, financial, family. People don't ever try to understand. They never care for you, Min. You have to stop expecting.

People hurt you too much that it starts to kill within. I expected too much. I was wrong. Totally wrong.Family used to be my strongest support but now I lost it all. How can I survive when I lost the strongest support, my backbone? People won't ever understand. I can't show that I'm weak to my sisters. I can't show this to anyone. I find it difficult to tell out my problems. It's just me. Honestly, it kills me. 

At 24 years of age, I don't have anything to be proud of. I am not the best student, I am 100% blur of what kinda teacher I'm going to be. My view of life is totlly negative, I am not a good leader, my lecturer dissed mI don't have anything that inspire people. I don't want to ruin my kids' life. But I don't have anything to be proud of, to inspire them of.
Right now I am listening to Yuna's Photo of You when writing this.. with tears flowing, with me trying to hide it behind my fringe so that no one notices.. This song reminds me of my past. My happy past. I have had loads of problems too in the past, but I survived happily. I WANTED to survive. But now I don't feel like it. Coming back to Malaysia was something that I was scared of. To face the truth. To face the things I left for 2 years.

Others have a strong support from their families, to tell them life is going to be better all the time. That life is secured. That life is hard but it's going to be wonderful. I don't have that. 

Can I go back?

These are the things that I remember the most, photos of you I have up on my wall. 
We are far away but I know we are here to stay.. 
All I know is that I'm far away, I'll remember you, I'll remember you.
All I wanted was for you to say "I'm in love with you..".

Sydney was a dream come true and a nightmare too. Nightmare for me now, for knowing that I wont be able to live that life again. I was in love too much that it hurts me now, again, for not having it with me again, now.

This hurts too much...

And the song keeps on repeating again.. So does my tears..

I just need someone to hug me right now and tell me, I am here for you. I will always be here for you. Though that would be the biggest lie ever.

Sending my love to Jah (for crying with me when I cried), Aza and Kecik. Thanks for everything. I might not tell you everything but you guys are so understanding. Sorry for not being a good friend to you guys.

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