Principle. Shaken.

I don't date. At least that's what I hope. I hope I won't go out dating. I want to protect myself, and you too. Can't you just come and meet my parents?! Lol. I'm having a crush on someone who doesn't even know I exist. Or maybe he knows, because he did create Instagram acc after I kinda ask him about it. But yeah. Whatever. Perasan, syok sendiri je ni. I'm looking at you... From far. 

Hope and expectation

Just when I started to put hope on humans, expecting them to return the same favour I offered them (in this case; feelings), I'll always fall . 

Always the frustrations instead of satisfactions.  

Always the disappointment instead of fulfilment.

Why do I keep falling for the wrong person?...

Hope. Expectation. They kill. 

Why do envy the girl that you always reply to?

Why do I feel ecstatic when you texted me?

Why do I have to feel all these?

I had a vision of building a little family with you and our children will grow up beautifully, wise and knowledgeable just like you.

Keeping the hope and expectation just to myself, for now.

Sad day for Malaysians. #prayforMH370

8th of March 2014.

It was a sad day for all Malaysians.

I was at school Saturday morning waiting for a meeting to start when was I scrolling down my Twitter timeline through my iPhone. I felt instant goosebumps and chill in the bones when I read from many news agencies that a Malaysia Airlines flight was reported missing en route to Beijing from KL.

My mind was immediately filled with images of the horrifying episodes I watched from the Air Crash Investigation series. Once I knew that the air traffic control in Subang lost contact with the flight, it sent chill down my spine. That definitely wasn't a good thing.

Everything about flying, the aviation industry and the sky have always fascinate me. I fancy those who have knowledge on these areas. I can only learn the laymen term but when it comes to the technicalities I'm lost. Talk about my love-hate relationship with science.

Keep praying for the missing jet Boeing 777 flight MH370.

Indeed Allah is The Most Powerful and knows more than we do.

Dear earpods

I just realized why I am currently ridiculously addicted to Keane's Somewhere Only We Know and Everybody's Changing. It's because of my earpods that came along with my 5s. They make the songs I'm listening to sound insanely awesome and give that extra gist of emotional feelings that appear when you listen to your favourite songs, ya know what I mean?

It's ridiculous because I have never been this obsessed with earphones nor the songs mentioned previously. I mean I do love them songs but this time it is like zillion times more attached to the heart. Before this I assumed all earphones were the same when they claimed they have extra bass sound system whatsoever.

EARPODS by Apple is undeniably the greatest earphone ever!

At the same time too I honestly am curious.. Who'll be the person who's gonna dedicate both songs to me in the NEAR future... and take me to 'somewhere only we know'?....

I currently have only 4 songs in my 5s music library
1. Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
2. Keane - Everybody's Changing
3. Keane - Is It Any Wonder?
4. Taylor Swift - Dear John

The last one sometimes got me to tears.. Thanks Earpods. Hover sangat kan.

Somewhere only WE know

I have been playing Somewhere Only We Know by Keane on repeat on my 3-day-old baby 5s. *hint* The song is about hope and everytime I listen to this song, I  remembered the hope I had long built in my deepest spot in my heart. A hope on achieving happiness.  

Anyway, I attended Seminar Baitul Muslim 3.0 last weekend and I think most of my unclear thoughts, doubts and questions about marriage have been answered. Alhamdulillah. These past months I have been thinking, marriage is one scary thing as we are on a lifetime contract to take up responsibilities towards the other person and the community (family, the in-laws, and the bigger community).. I was so afraid of the marriage institution cause I have seen many examples of unsuccesful marriages in my family and have had first hand experience of the hurt and pain it caused.

That made me not ready for it, not looking for anyone and not to open my heart to anyone. I believed in the sunnah of marriage & the good it brings, but I didn't think it was for me.

Now I've learnt a lot from the seminar, marriage is a means for us to get to Jannah (or hell, na'udhubillah). It is an act of ibadah. Sometimes we feel heavy to do ibadah, but we'll do it anyway, right? Because we know that's what Allah wants from us.. Mujahadah.  

Allah says in the Quran, Jinn and humans are created to worship Me. 

But both parties, the husband and wife, need to fully understand this and both need to constantly seek knowledge. Both need to always reflect and believe in improving self. This way, both knows they need to lower their ego if they realize there is a need to modify it (especially when an issue arises).

Both need to always compromise and come to the best decision that will benefit both.. Our partners are human beings and human beings aren't perfect. Never expect them to be perfect as you yourself have many flaws too.. The most important thing is both always try to improve self to be the best of mankind to the deen and to the family.

Hadith: The best amongst you is the one with the best character and the best of men is the one who is best to his wife.

Building family is also about building the ummah and we want succesful Muslim ummah and it starts from home. It starts from the parents. It starts now. 

I think I am ready now.

My hijab, my shield #WorldHijabDaypost

Alhamdulillah yesterday, the 1st of February, was the annual celebration of the World Hijab Day. I participated this year by volunteering under the MIZAN team in organizing Hijab Event 2014 at Taman Tasik Titiwangsa. Alhamdulillah Allah granted me another chance to make myself useful to the society tho honestly I thought I didn't do much. My resolution for life is to be happy. I believe that if I contribute more to people, Allah will grant me more happiness. Biidhnillah.

Anyhow, the sharing session was awesome. The speakers (Sister Cat Ross, Sis Dina al Mashoor & Sis Sharifah Sofea) shared their endurance of wearing the hijab permanently, which honestly at some point made me teary. I reflected at my own journey, of how I started to wear the hijab. I used to feel scared and anxious of how I was gonna manage my image for my 'after-hijab' life. Little did I know that when we make a step towards Allah, He then will come running towards us. The wardrobe makeover was smooth alhamdulillah. Of course the change did not happen overnight but Masha Allah He helped me got through it. One of many reasons I decided to wear hijab was after the pashmina and shawl style came out. I hated tudung bawal as I thought I looked horrible in it and there was NO WAY I was gonna don it everyday. Since I was more confident in shawls and pashminas, I slowly started to feel "Nak berhijab tak semestinya dengan tudung bawal je, there are many other styles". That really made me feel lots better and more confident, Alhamdulillah.

I started with S-size scarfs (weren't really a hijab, yet) and pants with long sleeved but not loose shirts. Along the way, Allah constantly sent me beautiful Muslima sisters for me to learn from. They were beautiful with loose clothes, wide hijabs, socks and handsocks. No one really ever told me to cover chest, back, wear less pants, cover hips etc but I guessed that was the power of qudwah hasanah (showing good examples). I learn from the examples around me. And that was also the benefit of always being around good companions. Masha Allah TabarakAllah I was so blessed to have Muslimas around me. Especially that when I lived abroad for 2 years, the friendship that they offered, the care that they showed towards me.. They made me realize the beauty of Islam.

I have been wearing my hijab for 4 years, started on the 9th of Muharaam in 2010. I also learnt the verse in The Quran where Allah asks women to wear hijab long and wide that it covers the chest. It makes me feel honoured to wear as what The Creator wants. Now I can't imagine my hijab being taken away from me. I can't imagine going out without my wide hijab, my socks, .. I feel bare. Exposed. Allah. I literally feel the hijab is a shield, from the evil eyes and hearts.. and also a reminder to myself to always be aware of what I do. I don't want to be a fitna to Islam ie people see a Muhajaba doing wrong things and put bad names on Islam, Astaghfirullah.

Alhamdulillah hijab really gives me inner peace. For sisters out there, start now. Experience yourself how the hijab will change your life. Don't mind what people say about you. Just do it for whatever reasons, gradually you'll set your heart straight - doing it because of Allah.

Happy World Hijab Day!

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

Teaching.
I wish I was better in teaching. In preparing lessons.
I'm not doing the thing I love honestly.
My heart is not with teaching.. Everyday is like a struggle.
But I'll just try my best...

Wanna buy me a gift?

Today I went out with my best girlfriend cum bride-to-be-in-4-days-time, Miss Mira, accompanying her to buy a shawl to match her wedding veil. So yeah it's my second experience of accompanying a best friend preparing for their wedding day (yeah Nad I'm talking about you, love). You know at moments like this, no matter how suck you are at matching colours and outfits, you just need to be very confident in supporting their decisions. If they look bad in it, tell them. If they look outstanding in it, straightly ask them to buy! LOL. Afterall that's what best friends are for right? To tell the truth even if it hurts. :)

So it made me think earlier today, of the gifts that brides usually get as their wedding gifts from the future husband. I thought of the gifts that I secretly wished my future husband would give to me (Dear future hubby please read this post a few months before we get married so you could prepare LOL). I hope you know that I don't fancy super luxury items, make ups, handbags, skincare products etc.. I just want a ticket to Coldplay's concert. Okay fine, a pair of tickets so we can go together. Even if the concert takes place overseas, we could work out the rest of the expenses for the trip together. You know it could double as a honeymoon trip! I'm more enthusiastic with this idea since you-should-know-by-now how much I love the idea of travelling. And, do you remember that guy on Twitter who curated twt_backpacker for a week - Hafiz Chan, the handsome guy who happens to love travelling AND Coldplay at the same time that he purposely travelled to Munich to see them live in concert? I hoped he was you, but... nevermind. And please... Could you pretend you love the band (if you don't), too?

We shouldn't spend so much money on hantarans (the wedding gifts) or the ceremony itself. We should prioritise our spending. The future is more important than a one-day event, wait it's actually just a 3-4 hour event. I hope we are in this together..

.. FOR A COLDPLAY TRIP YEHAAA!!

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget

I hope I can one day forget AND FORGIVE what this man did and do to us - my mom and sisters.. and our family. No need further explanation cause it still hurts and this is my biggest sadness. 
Root to all of my sadness. 

I'll just stop there.

Movie night out: The Hunger Games

Okay okay so I went to watch Catching Fire with my sister last night. I admit I was a bit skeptical with all these 'teenage' flicks - including The Hunger Games; blame it on The Twilight saga (who's with me, hands up!). Being so critical I am, I still watch all of them episodes nonetheless, sigh.

So I went to watch Catching Fire with my big sis a few days back. Oh yes I insisted she paid for my tix because she happened to have no one to accompany her to the theater. I kinda like it because first; it has Coldplay on its sountrack, second; it actually isn't like the typical it's-only-you-me-and-our-love-story-in-this-world kinda movie (boo Twilight). I like the twist in the story where it involves revolutions of the oppressed, standing up for the truth even if you are the only one doing it, how sick people whom are in possession of power, wealth and status's minds can be, the value of other humans' lives to us, engagement with nature, and of course, a complicated love story.

Here are few reflections I did after watching it:

1. The people in Capitol "enjoy" the Hunger Games as if the lives of the tributes worth nothing to them. It struck me cause I think of my brothers and sisters in Syria, Palestine and other oppressed countries and I did nothing much in helping them. As much as I hated seeing people of the Capitol, I myself is actually like them, we are like them. We watch the news and feel sad about it for 5 minutes and that's it. I feel sick.

2. Katniss stands up saying what she really feels to late Rue's family although she isn't supposed to do so. This was the scene that caught me in tears. Any sign of revolution or going against the authority is strictly forbidden, but she confidently speaks up her mind. I hope I am brave enough like her.

3. Engagement with nature. If I were to be a tribute in The Hunger Games, I know I wouldn't survive. I can't survive in the jungle, I can't tolerate any living creatures anywhere near my body, I don't know secrets to get fresh water - stick the pipe onto the bark of a tree, wait for the water to come out. I did drink once fresh water from a small bark when I went camping last year, but it was the coach that offered it to me. It really gives you a fresh feeling and it tastes very refreshing. This reminds me of my experience drinking fresh water from a creek that flows from the snowy hills in New Zealand. Ah, good times.

Anyway, the movie is not a bad option for your weekend trip to the theaters. You get to do self-reflection, relate how it is to our actual life. Just watch things that lets you expand your minds, not merely watching for entertainment, you'll never get anywhere.

Up, up and away!

I've always loved travelling. After 25 years of life I finally decided to take on a solo trip to see the world. Last night was Airasia's final day of sale so I grabbed myself a ticket to Seoul for November 2014, without an inbound ticket yet. LOL. Why? Because I'm still working out on the route I wanna travel across South Korea plus I'm waiting for the next ticket sale. I might end up in Japan who knows? ;) Still many more moons to decide on that in sha Allah.

I want to do something I love. I don't want Sydney (and New Zealand) to be the only memories that I dwell in always. I know I love travelling, I love seeing the world and I just want to discover myself more by travelling. You know everytime I watch beautiful documentaries of places and cultures in National Geographic or Discover Channel, I am in awe. They fascinate me. 

And mom knew me well. Whenever I wasn't home and she saw something good on TV esp about the beauties of other places, she'll record them for me to watch later. Just the other day, she knows that my current interest is in Iceland, and happened that the Green Trip (about green travelling ie recycle, using organic item) episode for that week was in Iceland. I tell you that documentary makes me fall in love more with Iceland. It's so beautiful and it's very natural. I know I am not the adventurous I-can-sleep-in-the-jungle type but I long to see the nature (minus the worms and all geli-geli stuffs, still can't face that)

Anyway I'd like to promote another series that make me fall hard in love with travelling - Dengan Basikal Aku Menjelajah now showing on TV AlHijrah Sunday 8.30pm. I recommend everyone to watch this, beautiful scenery, great storytelling by Zahariz Khuzaimah. What amazes me more is that he went all alone and recorded all those breathtaking pictures and videos by himself. Check his blog here. 

SubhanAllah, it's awesome.

P/S: The length of the video is a bit too long since it is the actual episode not a trailer and watch the series on HD TV to experience the beauty of the cinematography. 

Bismillah, restarting the race.

Assalamualaikum peeps!

In less than 2 hours I'll be attending my first ever independent usrah. Wah over je. Yeah Alhamdulillah I'll be joining MIZAN's usrah group for the Wangsa Maju area. After a long 11 months of drifting and drifting away... He calls me back to Him. Alhamdulillah.

My previous usrah was with my own cohortmates and my naqibah herself was my best friend. So you get now why I say this is my first independent usrah? I know no one in this group and I have long been an antisocial person i.e I just love to spend time alone (too much). And now, I have to meet new people. I chose this. I chose to meet new people. I chose to get out of my comfort zone. Above all, I just need to do this cause I have been too far away from Him, the One Who loves me. So I must do my best and be istiqamah if Allah wills!

Anyway I have mixed feelings now, happy, nervous and kinda sad cause I miss my little usrah family for the past 2 years, 'AnNur Solehah'. In sha Allah I'm gonna restart the race I've given up before. Another step I take now for my pursuit of happiness, biiznillah.

Milsons Point, Sydney. 2010.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

I'm passionate about travelling and I have too many places in mind! It's unfair to write about only one place but I'll just pick the country where I'm planning to go in Winter 2014. Still a long way to go, hopefully this backpacking plan will be successful in sha Allah. And the place is....

SOUTH KOREA! 

I must admit that the variety show Running Man influences me a lot to travel up there. 

The places look beautiful in the series and really they make their city looks wonderful. Plus I have been wanting to try Korean food (luckily there are few halal restaurants here in KL but haven't had the chance to go yet). So when a dear friend invited me to go for a backpacking trip there next year, I, without any hesitance said "Yes!". I just need to satisfy my craving and curiosity for Korean food before I go though cause there are not many or none Halal Korean restaurants there.   Please make du'a that everything will turn out fine, amin. If I get to go there, in sha Allah I'll update here.

And yup, I have a folder full with apps to learn Korean on the go on my iPhone. After few attempts to memorize, I ended up remembering only 'annyeong haseyo' (hello) and 'kamsamnida' (thank you). Guess that would do, for 10 days aye? 

Treasure - I feel loved!

I don't often listen to crappy radio stations cause they talk too much, laugh at their own jokes and not to mention those  long and sickening ads. Recently there's one song that makes me look forward to listening to it while I'm driving and that is Treasure by Bruno Mars. The catchy beat really makes you wanna dance and I could feel the stress of driving is lifted up a bit when the song is aired. I just read the lyrics and it makes me fall in love more with the song. He's praising his girl by saying that she's really beautiful, a treasure and a golden star tho she doesn't notice it and that she should let him be a part of  his life. When Mr Bruno makes love songs, you could feel that he's really into it, wish the song was for me! I feel beautiful when listening to it and appreciated especially since I'm having confidence issue so, thanks Bruno Mars!

High blood pressure

Alhamdulillah after 6 good months of staying at home, I am finally being called to serve for the nation as an English teacher. I sincerely hope my new school would assign me to teach only English or minor subjects, not other critical subjects. Apart from that, I am stuck with my medical check-up. Doctor detects that my blood pressure is a bit too high and twice I went to check, it only gets higher. MAy Allah protect me. I need to change my lifestyle now and start exercising. Doc gives me another week to start fitness activities and control what I'm eating and check my blood pressure with her again. Honestly I don't know where to start when it comes to fitness. Doc said I hafta start with light activities like walking cause I'm considered obese and my body can't support my excessive weight. Need your prayers and support, thank you peeps

Quick update

I just started using the Eumora soap as suggested by elder sis. It is used on the face ( though you can actually use it on your whole body - kalau orang kaya la, cuz each bar reaches rm90). I had terrible 'underneath skin' pimple on my cheeks, more worse on the right side. It's really visible and I'm so ashamed! It has been almost 2 years already, happened since I was still in Australia.

So the update. I've used it since last Saturday 12/1. Right after the first few washes I really could feel the skin breathing, literally. I applied mosturizer cause it dries too. Since Tuesday/Wednesday I realized my skin is peeling particularly around the mouth. I realized this could be the effect. Now the peeling is getting more visible around the chin. Checked the website it says this is the symptoms of the 'healing crisis'. I hope this ends soon. :(

A little sad note.

People won't understand your struggle. They won't understand your pain. Making it more hurtful, they don't even try to.

I need to fulfil my job as a leader, but people don't want to know your struggles. They only care about you completing your job and that's it. They will only care when you don't fulfil their wants.

Having this post is the biggest mistake in my life. Not at the right moment, not at the right time. I get my lunch alone, I walk across the institute on a hot scorching sun alone, just because I need to fulfil the job. Maybe I am expecting too much from people. Where are the so-called friends when you need them the most? Where are the so-called friends when you are facing difficulties? Where are the so-called friends when you need to get something done that requires loads of energy?

My life is torn apart now. In every single aspect. Health, financial, family. People don't ever try to understand. They never care for you, Min. You have to stop expecting.

People hurt you too much that it starts to kill within. I expected too much. I was wrong. Totally wrong.Family used to be my strongest support but now I lost it all. How can I survive when I lost the strongest support, my backbone? People won't ever understand. I can't show that I'm weak to my sisters. I can't show this to anyone. I find it difficult to tell out my problems. It's just me. Honestly, it kills me. 

At 24 years of age, I don't have anything to be proud of. I am not the best student, I am 100% blur of what kinda teacher I'm going to be. My view of life is totlly negative, I am not a good leader, my lecturer dissed mI don't have anything that inspire people. I don't want to ruin my kids' life. But I don't have anything to be proud of, to inspire them of.
Right now I am listening to Yuna's Photo of You when writing this.. with tears flowing, with me trying to hide it behind my fringe so that no one notices.. This song reminds me of my past. My happy past. I have had loads of problems too in the past, but I survived happily. I WANTED to survive. But now I don't feel like it. Coming back to Malaysia was something that I was scared of. To face the truth. To face the things I left for 2 years.

Others have a strong support from their families, to tell them life is going to be better all the time. That life is secured. That life is hard but it's going to be wonderful. I don't have that. 

Can I go back?

These are the things that I remember the most, photos of you I have up on my wall. 

We are far away but I know we are here to stay.. 

All I know is that I'm far away, I'll remember you, I'll remember you.

All I wanted was for you to say "I'm in love with you..".

Sydney was a dream come true and a nightmare too. Nightmare for me now, for knowing that I wont be able to live that life again. I was in love too much that it hurts me now, again, for not having it with me again, now.

This hurts too much...

And the song keeps on repeating again.. So does my tears..

I just need someone to hug me right now and tell me, I am here for you. I will always be here for you. Though that would be the biggest lie ever.

Sending my love to Jah (for crying with me when I cried), Aza and Kecik. Thanks for everything. I might not tell you everything but you guys are so understanding. Sorry for not being a good friend to you guys.

Usrah equals to happiness

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.

Lama sudah rasanya tidak berblogging. Hee yah kinda awkward for me to write in Malay. But alhamdulillah it doesn't matter I'm writing this for myself and for you, silent readers. :) May Allah put all of you under His blesings ameen.

I can't hide my happiness as tomorrow I am going to have my weekly usrah Alhamdulillah. I know that we need to be constant in refreshing our imaan and not only doing it once a week, but having usrah I know that at least, Allah has provided me a path to always return to Him. Allah has given me beautiful sisters to keep reminding me of Him. Being a weak human, my imaan has its ups and downs. Astaghfirullah more downs than ups. :( But being around your family (usrah means family), you are always close to Him. Everyone in the family is striving to be the best Muslim and Mukmin that we can be. And subhanAllah what makes the journey more beautiful is that everyone keeps reminding each other; sometimes not verbally but through actions.

Friends that He has given me, are those of the best characters. They aren't perfect but they are way better than me. alhamdulillah o Allah, for Your blessings.. and forgive me for my ignorance..

things I love.

Just thought of listing my favourites here. activities/books/quotes/etc. Just a random post ;)

1. I have a girl crush on Taylor Swift. I adore her, a sweet humble beautiful girl with beautiful voice. I just love her to the max. I love anything related to her.

2. Coldplay. I love the lyrics. I could relate to most of the songs, and I cant listen to The Scientist cause I am attached emotionally to the song. Although I'm in a happy mode but once I heard the song I could automatically feel sad. By the way, I got a Coldplay mug for my 23rd birthday! <3

3. Looking up at the sky. I have this one tendency of looking up on the sky and see what's up there. I love watching the stars, moon, clouds and the blue sky. They are the most beautiful things in the world. I am obsessed with it. One of the greatest signs from Our Creator Allahu Ahad. I could just sit and watch the stars all night.

4. Love to read quotes. I love reading motivational quotes, they give me lotsa motivation to move on with life. But I think I read and try to digest too much that none sticks in my head now. :(

Just a few of my random thoughts. Toodle!

something that my heart tells.

Today - well it's not just today but lately - I miss him so much. I don't know why. I wanted badly to text him and ask how he's been doing. Is he good? Is everything fine? How's work? How's his study? Has he found things that make him happy? Has things changed since we separated ways? ..... But all them questions remain in my mind without being voiced (or typed).

I think this is all due to hormonal change in me. Yeah it's not going to be long, this feeling. It'll fade away, as time passes.

If you really wanna get over someone, delete everything about them in your phone. All phone numbers, that includes his mom's, dad's, sis's (I had them all). That's what I do. It's hard but you have to do what you have to do. Save yourself before you got drowned deeper. ----- At least I don't wake up in the middle of the night and text stupid things to him like I used to do. And so far it's a success. I haven't talked to him for about 2 months now. Not at all.

Nevertheless, I admit this feeling in me is still there. As I listened to my favourite Taylor Swift's song Safe And Sound, I imagined dedicating it to him. Lately I had a feeling that he was having a hard time but I just couldn't ask. He wasn't that strong, I knew that. I knew him.

I wish I could save you. I wish I could be there with you during your hard times. But I just can't. Not anymore. You need to save yourself and all I could do is just send you prayers, that Allah will protect you always.

I remember tears streaming down your face  
When I said, I'll never let you go  
When all those shadows almost killed your light 
 I remember you said, Don't leave me here alone  
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight...

Just close your eyes 
The sun is going down  
You'll be alright 
No one can hurt you now  
Come morning light  
You and I'll be safe & sound...

Dear you, please be strong to face the world. You can do it as long as you believe in yourself, believe in Allah and hold on tight to the two. May Allah grant you strength and success.. amin.